[28 Dec 2009|09:43pm] scummycrummyday [ music | SVU marathon! ] Sometimes I wonder if I'm breaking edge by eating the rum fruitcake Pat bakes for us every year. Whatever, I've been eating this shit since before I could talk. 1 gave in | post comment

maybe God gave me a shitty family, so I could have friends like these. [23 Dec 2009|06:10pm] scummycrummyday [ mood | grateful ] I don't know what I ever did to deserve a friend like Louise. I just came home from work, got into a fight with my sister, and walked into my room to find the best Christmas present I've ever gotten from anybody ever, hands down. I love you so much girl, I'm going to get you a gift that will rock your fucking universe. Thanks for being the sister I never had. post comment

[22 Dec 2009|10:09pm] scummycrummyday [ mood | crappy ] Every Christmas it's the same thing. Sperm donor starts a fight with my mom, or me, and we don't speak the entire week. We don't speak until New Year's is over. The apartment is tense with hate and anger. I feel like I don't exist, I feel like a stranger in my own home. Twice as much because Christmas is the one holiday I wish we could be a family. You don't know how much I envy my friends with single-parent households, how I long to have been a child of a single fucking parent. How I wished and prayed and hoped my mom would leave my dad. She never will. Today I get off work and she calls me saying that Donna will pack up and move in with Pat again for the last time this Saturday. Sperm donor got into a fight with her about how to raise Jalia. Saying she needs to be more strict with her and I'm 99 percent sure he told her to just hit her kid. Its difficult enough as IS to talk to Donna about the way she raises (or lackthereof) her child, but to try and approach her about discipline is just straight up comedy. That bitch is never going to raise her kid right. She couldn't raise a fucking potato out of the dirt. But it's not MY place to tell her what to do with her child, it's NOT MY FUCKING CHILD. And I'm sure my dad went about talking to her the wrong way, because this is how my dad holds conversations. dad: SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM other person: I'm sorry, can I voice my opinion now? dad: YOU'RE TALKING BACK TO ME? DID YOU JUST TALK BACK TO ME?! SWEAR SWEAR, LORD'S NAME IN VAIN MORE SWEARING. other person either ends up crying, cursing at him, slamming the door in his face, or leaving the house. I tend to do the first and last two things. Donna told him off. Again. And you know what? they both deserved it. I can't stand either of them. She deserved to get told that that kid of hers is fucking rotten. And he deserved to get cussed out. I don't care whos feelings got hurt, and who started it. I know this fight has been brewing in my dad's head for months now. He was just waiting for the right time to lash out. And he picked the time he always picks. The week of Christmas. I just can't deal with it anymore. The fighting, the hateful bullshit that goes on in here. I'm always stuck in the middle. And now my mom is stuck in the middle because she has to choose between her daughter and her husband. Neither of whom are any fucking use to her. Donna treats her like shit and so does he. I warned my mother. I begged her NOT to bring Donna over here. I begged and begged and begged. And she did it anyway, no matter how much I cried and pleaded, she ignored the one time I ever begged her to do one thing for me. So now I'm going to turn my back on my mom. I can't help you anymore. I've been reading the Lovely Bones and this book is so fucked up. I only read sad stories, I only like sad movies. I live for depressing music. And the reason is this, people always say I shouldn't complain because someone always has it worse. The only way I can understand anybody having it worse than I do is to let these stories and songs and movies envelope me in a wave of sadness different from the kind I feel every night I sleep in my bed. If I have to escape into a world that's worse than my own to forget the hell I have lived in day after day since before I could talk, then I'll keep doing it. As long as I don't have to mentally be at home. I'm going to spend Christmas at Richard's house. I can't be here anymore. post comment

[18 Dec 2009|05:36am] scummycrummyday [ mood | tired ] [ music | roseanne ] Monday is Richard and I's one year anniversary. We're going to go to Serendipity's after I get out of work and I haven't really figured out what I'm getting him yet. I can't really believe I've been with him so long. I've never been with anybody so long. I was almost with George that long, but George never loved me and he kind of treated me like crap. I never even assumed men like Richard existed. We have had a lot of issues the past 3 months but we worked them out and we're okay now. I don't know what I'd do without him. I really don't. 2 gave in | post comment

The past has come and gone, the future's far away. [16 Dec 2009|07:53pm] scummycrummyday [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Hootie and the blowfish-time ] I guess I haven't made a proper update in weeks because I've been too depressed to function. Every morning I go to work, and every afternoon I get on the bus to come home with a huge lump in my throat and a rock in my stomach of anxiety and anger. I can't relax, I can't even fucking use the bathroom like a normal, functioning person. I feel sick all of the time, I've lost more weight, I hate my life right now. I hate living here, nothing makes me happy. I just want to cry and the the one time I need to, I can't. I've never hated living in this house more. I'm so fucking sad. I have nobody to talk to that can stand to listen to me complain about the same shit over and over again. I fear I'm pushing Richard away with my sadness. Christmas is going to be awful, I don't want to go to anybody's house because it will just remind me of how my family hates me and each other and I hate them. I don't want to be home because I can't stand to be near anybody here. There's nothing I can do to get out of here. I'm trapped and I see no point in anything. post comment

[16 Dec 2009|05:13am] scummycrummyday [ mood | disappointed ] Sometimes no matter how close I am with someone, I still don't feel included in their lives. Maybe that's some kind of insecurity problem I've always had. But I don't like being excluded. It hurts. I guess I should talk to her, but I feel like she should already know. Whatever. post comment

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